whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
