The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
