i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
