when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
