I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
