You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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