New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
