I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
