Kiss
Puke
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
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