well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
