Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
