You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
