so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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