if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
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