You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
