oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
