Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
