So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
