Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Randomize
