White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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