where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize
