Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
