YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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