From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
im on a boat
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