You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
