Will you blow on my dice?
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Randomize
