Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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