How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
