If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
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