Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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