Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I'm like, not good at living.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Randomize
