dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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