if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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