There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
