I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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