Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
