White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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