Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Never joke about your clitoris.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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