SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
