He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
