matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
