I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
