apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Randomize
