just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
