I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
They have beer where we have blood.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize