I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
