well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I would ride that face into the sunset
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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