Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
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