Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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