dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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