Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I'm bleeding and have questions
Randomize
