She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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